Back again this time with four

so hi all it’s been a long time but I finally was able to reset my password on here and wanted to write again.

The last year or two has been the most difficult and stressful yet we have moved lots first selflessly to help my Mother in law then after she passed away we had to move from York we’ve had another baby learnt a lot and are full circle heading back to before it all went wrong, the house, area and schools we were at before we changed our life to help our lovely mum (in law,grandma) we never could have envisioned what was yet to come then, how quickly things can change how your life visions for the future and your plans can be completely turned upside down in an instant ,We never could have known , we just did what we thought was right and then we thought that starting again and changing and moving away was the right thing to do but all it did was disappointingly let us down in so very many ways and I am disheartened and sad that it wasn’t the right decision for us so a lot of moving again and a lot of loss and heartache, and we are off to start a new chapter yet again, this chapter title is entitled “happiness” though I am yet to fill it with content I hope it is a very very very  long  one filled with love laughter and adventure and memory making for my husband and now four children and I for they mean the world to me and I don’t want to disappoint I don’t want to struggle and have loss and stress and heartache anymore and I want us to live each day to the full to make lots of happy memories to fulfill dreams and create adventures, sometimes we all get lost a little on the way we get sidetracked we turn the wrong way at a crossroads but with that we learn and we grow and we become who we were meant to be all along and we get where we were meant to get to eventually just sometimes it takes some of us a little longer to find the direction and to follow the map the right way without turning it upside down a little bit first and, one day in many years to come we will look back at it all and we will understand it all as god has a plan for me and my family and I now know more than ever to trust it and not worry and to be completely who I am meant to be xxxxxx

The start of a new chapter

It has been a long time since my last post a lot has happened since we moved house and moved in to look after my Mother in law and since she passed away so suddenly, and all our plans and good intentions changed and so abruptly,we had given up so much out of our love for her and our hearts were broken, but with it our eyes have been opened,and we have been sent a gift I am having our fourth baby, it has been a shock and a surprise and for a while I could not see a future ahead for us we were in limbo not knowing where we were headed and the thought of another baby on top of our three with no home to call our own and our future within this home short-lived I wondered how I could cope at all, but whilst I suffered with crippling anxiety,stress and worry I saw beside me a changed man , yes he was still very much the wonderful man I have always loved but he looked different, his sad eyes now sparkled, the strain had lifted from his face his responsibilities,guilt and burden had gone and he saw our future clearly, our fourth child a blessing and gift from his Mother who had always said ” you must get on for your children” she has given us freedom a chance to move on and start the next chapter of our lives, her blessing for the man who had delayed some of his ” living” to be there for her for so many years.

and that is what we are going to do here is to our future where we look forward to creating a more positive and happy time ahead xxxx

If only we had more time

All those days I sorted through your things, labelled and ordered them, I did it with care and love for you in preparation to make your days better,we wanted to make you smile again and give you back some of the quality of life you had lost the day your body failed you,your legs gave way, your hands no longer did as they should, you were still that strong independent lady, a fantastic baker, literary expert, crossword doer, sewer, Mother and Grandmother, but your body no longer behaved as it should.

We had talked of all the places we would go,the m and s food we would treat ourselves to, the historical dramas we would watch, I was looking forward to it, we all were, the children wanted to read you their school books and pass you mixing bowls in order for you to bake again, something you were so good at,and loved. I remember when I first met you I felt I would never live up to your excellent domestic skills and Mothering knowledge but I learnt so much from you, I enjoyed our lengthy discussions, our shared love of nostalgia and Social history.

On Sunday I watched the new series of Call the midwife next to your empty chair, we thought you would be here we never imagined you would never sit here and watch it again.

I am so grateful and thankful to have known you and had you in my life for you gave me the best person, your son,the kindest man who always helped your whenever he could, he has your stubborn streak and perfectly defined Brow bone, you were his Mother and Father all in one and you were his greatest friend, you were his other best lady next to me and not a day went by where he did not think of you , or check to see if you were ok, commenting on events of that day, reminding one another that Have I got News for you was on at 9pm.

If only we could have had more time to have made a difference sooner, but I hope that you knew how much you meant to us and that we loved you so, and how we will miss you everyday, through all the little things and we hear your voice in our heads telling us to get on with life for our children, and to remember you with a knowing wink and a smile, and I will always ………………….with love.

Bye bye little house

Seven years ago we found you little house with your beautiful floors and ornate fireplaces you captured our hearts and we really tried to make you our home and we tried our best we really really did we put up pictures and lit candles and cushioned you and cleaned you and made you look pretty but it was not enough because you were not ours, however much we tried we had just borrowed you for a few years but we were not solid in your foundations we were just a tiny part of your history, we just got to have a little go in you for a while, but we could not build you up we could not paint our story upon you we could not imprint our handprints upon your walls or grow flowers up your gate, we were just house sitting knowing that you were never our forever, but I do thankyou little house you did keep my family warm and dry you saw birthdays and Christmases and you welcomed friends and family in and out but the time has come little house for us to leave and say bye bye ……

The festive nightmares for introverts

The festive period a time when those quiet people that just go about their business living a quiet private life, just getting on with their day, quietly, especially those that work, suddenly  have to be sociable, involved, and are expected to get into the spirit of things just because it’s Christmas, to many shy,social phobic introvert types  this is the stuff of nightmares, it can fill them with dread , heighten anxiety and ruin Christmas.

Why after 11 months of doing their thing , choosing how and who they spend their days and evenings with should they be pressurised and just expected to participate in Christmas activities at work or with wider family if it makes them uncomfortable not everyone wants to drink and be the life and soul of parties, some people find eating in front of others unenjoyable as they feel as though people are looking at them,  not everyone can make small talk with people they only associate with because they are a work colleague but you have nothing in common to talk about, yet if you refuse to go you are judged and frowned Upon and seen as not fun or a Scrooge or humbug at this time when we should all be jolly, but Christmas can be very difficult and stressful and uncomfortable for many yet it is impossible to ignore or avoid particularly when the extra stresses of work or school participation is required. Yet quiet , introverted socialphobes are one of the loveliest types of people to know and have in your life, they just take longer to get to know and understand, they take longer to let you in and open up to you they are a little harder work to befriend but once you do they are the most loyal loving kind and intelligent interesting people, and it doesn’t mean they don’t like Christmas they just don’t like some of the things about it and they can’t change and why should they if we were all the same what a boring world it would be. Xxxxx

Serious declutter addict

Stuff, things, nicknacks, ornamental whatnots, rubbish thrown in drawers and cupboards, random things on the floor and not where they should be,  things that serve no purpose or are never used . I used to like them until I became a Mum and had to deal with it all and constantly sort it all and tidy it all and dust it all, but living with a mini and a big hoarder and two very messy other little ones it is not easy,  I feel as if I am walking up a hill and never reaching the top because as you approach it you roll back down to the bottom again. 

It now physically makes me feel sick if there is too much stuff dumped on a table or on a mantel or left on the kitchen counter. I crave emptiness, a minimal simple life. In order to make life easier, as the summer holidays approach I am determined to super sort the house in the hope to make it easier when the kids are at home,  but I dont think I will ever get it to where I want to be completely. 

The one when you turn 11

My Beautiful eldest girl you have been with me from the start, the first to look up at me and call me Mummy, the first one to hold my hand and take me on this hop skip and a jump of a journey called motherhood you’ve been there when i’ve got it right and there when i’ve got it wrong through tantrums and tears and then today you turned 11, how did that happen? 

This year is going to be big for you, the final stage of Primary school and the start of secondary its going to be exciting and a bit scary but it’s going to be good and I am so proud of you and the beautiful young lady you are becoming. 

I am proud of your great decision making when choosing the high school you will go to and your enthusiasm in gymnastics club, I am proud because it is not about your results and grades to us  it is your happiness that counts and your kindness and acceptance of others, I want you to be the one who sits with the lonely kid in the lunch hall and I know you will be I know that you will always try the best that you can and that you will do and become whatever makes you happy and that is great and we are in this together yes you may now hold my hand a little less and walk infront a little bit further but thats how it is meant to be just know that I am here whenever you need me…… 

The stairs

Oh stairs the journey to and from The upstairs to the downstair,  you are never clear you are always full of the things to go up there or down  full of clean washing,  toys and hairbrushes and random shoes and socks and things to sort and teddy s waiting patiently for their owners to come home from school and squeeze them…… 

Bin collections a load of old rubbish

Thanks “friendly” dustman who put the “clean york” sticker on my surplus binbags this morning. Gone are the smiling, whistling, kind men that would carry our bins from our yards and gardens and take them back again, instead they huff and puff and refuse to take any bags that are sticking slightly out of our now regulation wheelie bins, or if the lid won’t shut, despite great efforts to squish them down , it wont do, and then they throw them randomly down the street afterwards leaving a trail of mess and take great delight issuing  “naughty” stickers along the way. For your information Mr Dustbin man bin police I wasn’t expecting you to take my surplus,  you never do, I was just putting it out ready to completely fill up my emptied one again, to fester for two weeks until you empty it again and I repeat the process, how these regulated bin rules help to keep city’s tidier and less full of waste I will never know as I have a family of five,  I recycle and I am careful about cooking from scratch,using up leftovers,not having too much packaging etc yet every week I have an overflow of bins and recycling, this was worse when all three of my children were in nappies,  I’m not allowed to have a bigger capacity bin until 6 are living in the house,  I don’t have a car to go to the tip myself,  so it is a never ending cycle of disgusting, wet maggot infested binbags,smelling and festering in the heat and being clawed by cats, whether you collect them now Mr binman or in a fortnight those binbags will still all end up in the same place and will not disappear, I will still produce as much waste and recycling and so will many other families and then some people on their own will hardly fill their bin at all so my extra fewbags and other peoples will make up for their lack of waste, making it all the same in the end and all at the same place, why council do you think that this is a good idea ? I would happily pay extra for bins to be collected weekly I would snap your hand off Mrs Council Lady for a bigger capacity bin for my extra refuse but I don’t want another child to be able to have one, I want those friendly dustmen and women back that treated us, our binbags and bins with care, and I am too old to be issued a naughty sticker thanks very much, please council sort it out .  .    …..  

One day more till summer

As I am writing this the children only have one more day left of school till the summer hols, as we wrap and write teacher’s gifts and cards,  the children feel a wave of excitement of the long days ahead whereas my heart slightly flutters with dread and fear trying to think of plans and ideas and ways to fill up the six weeks with stuff and plans and fun and entertainment , gone are the days where cocopops pjs and starwars vhs on repeat will surfice kids these days need entertaining and “stuff” and exciting  themed days of baking and craft and trips and museums and buying things,  I feel more stressed in summer time than christmas,  all the rules and routine and order that I crave to keep sane and function goes out of the window,  6 weeks of mess and disorder and squabbling and having absolutely no time to myself is afore,  but it will be ok I have survived 10 child filled summer hols so far and will survive again and am determined to try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible and now the children are getting old enough to entertain themselves a little I am definitely going to fit some me time and 5 minutes peace in there aswell,  we all as parents feel that we must cram in as much as possible into our little ones summer but remember they are exhausted too and need some doing nothing days,  its ok to have some telly days and pj days make summer your way not the expected wayxxxxxmuch love