Stuff, things, nicknacks, ornamental whatnots, rubbish thrown in drawers and cupboards, random things on the floor and not where they should be, things that serve no purpose or are never used . I used to like them until I became a Mum and had to deal with it all and constantly sort it all and tidy it all and dust it all, but living with a mini and a big hoarder and two very messy other little ones it is not easy, I feel as if I am walking up a hill and never reaching the top because as you approach it you roll back down to the bottom again.
It now physically makes me feel sick if there is too much stuff dumped on a table or on a mantel or left on the kitchen counter. I crave emptiness, a minimal simple life. In order to make life easier, as the summer holidays approach I am determined to super sort the house in the hope to make it easier when the kids are at home, but I dont think I will ever get it to where I want to be completely.
My Beautiful eldest girl you have been with me from the start, the first to look up at me and call me Mummy, the first one to hold my hand and take me on this hop skip and a jump of a journey called motherhood you’ve been there when i’ve got it right and there when i’ve got it wrong through tantrums and tears and then today you turned 11, how did that happen?
This year is going to be big for you, the final stage of Primary school and the start of secondary its going to be exciting and a bit scary but it’s going to be good and I am so proud of you and the beautiful young lady you are becoming.
I am proud of your great decision making when choosing the high school you will go to and your enthusiasm in gymnastics club, I am proud because it is not about your results and grades to us it is your happiness that counts and your kindness and acceptance of others, I want you to be the one who sits with the lonely kid in the lunch hall and I know you will be I know that you will always try the best that you can and that you will do and become whatever makes you happy and that is great and we are in this together yes you may now hold my hand a little less and walk infront a little bit further but thats how it is meant to be just know that I am here whenever you need me……
Oh stairs the journey to and from The upstairs to the downstair, you are never clear you are always full of the things to go up there or down full of clean washing, toys and hairbrushes and random shoes and socks and things to sort and teddy s waiting patiently for their owners to come home from school and squeeze them……
Thanks “friendly” dustman who put the “clean york” sticker on my surplus binbags this morning. Gone are the smiling, whistling, kind men that would carry our bins from our yards and gardens and take them back again, instead they huff and puff and refuse to take any bags that are sticking slightly out of our now regulation wheelie bins, or if the lid won’t shut, despite great efforts to squish them down , it wont do, and then they throw them randomly down the street afterwards leaving a trail of mess and take great delight issuing “naughty” stickers along the way. For your information Mr Dustbin man bin police I wasn’t expecting you to take my surplus, you never do, I was just putting it out ready to completely fill up my emptied one again, to fester for two weeks until you empty it again and I repeat the process, how these regulated bin rules help to keep city’s tidier and less full of waste I will never know as I have a family of five, I recycle and I am careful about cooking from scratch,using up leftovers,not having too much packaging etc yet every week I have an overflow of bins and recycling, this was worse when all three of my children were in nappies, I’m not allowed to have a bigger capacity bin until 6 are living in the house, I don’t have a car to go to the tip myself, so it is a never ending cycle of disgusting, wet maggot infested binbags,smelling and festering in the heat and being clawed by cats, whether you collect them now Mr binman or in a fortnight those binbags will still all end up in the same place and will not disappear, I will still produce as much waste and recycling and so will many other families and then some people on their own will hardly fill their bin at all so my extra fewbags and other peoples will make up for their lack of waste, making it all the same in the end and all at the same place, why council do you think that this is a good idea ? I would happily pay extra for bins to be collected weekly I would snap your hand off Mrs Council Lady for a bigger capacity bin for my extra refuse but I don’t want another child to be able to have one, I want those friendly dustmen and women back that treated us, our binbags and bins with care, and I am too old to be issued a naughty sticker thanks very much, please council sort it out . . …..
As I am writing this the children only have one more day left of school till the summer hols, as we wrap and write teacher’s gifts and cards, the children feel a wave of excitement of the long days ahead whereas my heart slightly flutters with dread and fear trying to think of plans and ideas and ways to fill up the six weeks with stuff and plans and fun and entertainment , gone are the days where cocopops pjs and starwars vhs on repeat will surfice kids these days need entertaining and “stuff” and exciting themed days of baking and craft and trips and museums and buying things, I feel more stressed in summer time than christmas, all the rules and routine and order that I crave to keep sane and function goes out of the window, 6 weeks of mess and disorder and squabbling and having absolutely no time to myself is afore, but it will be ok I have survived 10 child filled summer hols so far and will survive again and am determined to try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible and now the children are getting old enough to entertain themselves a little I am definitely going to fit some me time and 5 minutes peace in there aswell, we all as parents feel that we must cram in as much as possible into our little ones summer but remember they are exhausted too and need some doing nothing days, its ok to have some telly days and pj days make summer your way not the expected wayxxxxxmuch love
I wanted to tell you all I understand, I understand what it is like to be scared of eating and trying new foods of feeling overwhelmed by a plate of food infront of me, that eating vegetables is like asking someone to eat a slug or a snake or a giant bug, I understand what its like to not want to eat at all sometimes or to eat very little, to eat the same plain foods day in day out to then go off them suddenly just like that for no reason at all, to be frightened to eat in a restaurant because it is unfamiliar territory like eating in a lions cage, to be nervous to eat at other people’s house’s incase they give you food you can’t eat, to smell every little bit of food before it enters your mouth, to be grateful for the Wonder ful parents who understood, who went with it and who stood up in front of Teachers at school when questioned why my packed lunch only contains a plain breadbun and a KitKat, who never moaned having to study each restaurant menu before daring entering to check if they served frenchfries or garlic bread or to beg with waitresses to make me plain spaghetti with nothing on it “yes just as it comes straight out the pan, yes plain” or please could my teenage daughter still have a children’s menu, or to smile and confidently say to the Tesco cashier who asked how old the children were that the babyish children’s alphabetti shaped food and mini yoghurts she was buying was actually for her 18 year old.
I wanted to tell you all that it’s ok it will get better, yes it’s hard and frustrating but go with it because one day those foods will get less scary and the restaurant list a little bigger, it did for me yes its a struggle sometimes and as a Mum myself of three children I try to go with my own children’s food requirements and I try to eat better myself but don’t get cross it’s not being fussy or picker or a phase. For me and for many it was a genuine fear I didn’t want to find food difficult but if it was made a big issue or I felt like I was a nuisance or a pain it made me worse.
School Teachers please don’t judge a child or their parents by the contents of their packups or snack, yes we all want to be healthy we know what the “right” foods are but sometimes we just can’t eat those foods for many reasons, our children need to eat but they dont need judging for it or stopped eating certain foods because then we might not eat very much at all and because as we grow we will work it out and sort it out ourselves, it’s our body and we need to choose what goes in it yes we dont always make the right decisions but we will one day in our own time.
Thankyou to my Mum, Dad, Stepfather and Brother and husband for supporting me always much lovexxxx
All our lives there has been War, Bombs, Destruction and Devastation, atrocities fighting and hate but all our lives there has also been Campaigners and Activists and d
Demonstraters and heroes and helpers and great workers of the NHS and police and armed forces and heroic members of the public that show such kindness.
When such awful things happen in the world it can often make people wonder what is the point in it all? what a horrid world we are bringing our children up in, we can hide away from the world and experiences we can wrap our children in cotton wool. We can live in fear or we can come together, we can become stronger, we can try to make it better, we can show our children all the good people and the great acts of heroism and kindness and coming together in communities, we can embrace all people we can love and smile show our children how to be accepting of all, because above all else we can’t lose hope hope that one day the world will be a better place just like John Lennon said “you may say I’m a dreamer” but I really do hope that I am not the only one xxxx
We love you Manchester xxxx R. I. P ALL those LOST and all affected by this weeks events xxxxxxx
In my blogposts I am very open and honest about my anxiety disorder, and have written many posts about it.
It is a condition that affects so many people and is so misunderstood by so many even some doctors in my experience, perhaps because only those that have truly experienced it can even comprehend it, can even begin to empathise with a sufferer, how physically ill your mind can make you feel how it can come out of nowhere it seems just as you thought you were doing ok, how some days even the simplest of tasks can be too much, the littlest noises can grate on you like finger nails scraping down a blackboard how something as simple as having to post a parcel or make a telephone call is just too hard to do and how exhausting it is that your mind will not stop the over thinking over worrying lump in your throat, heart in your mouth feeling of fear and dread that is like a chasm where I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole but never reaching the bottom where some days I feel myself and other days I do not know myself at all.
All I ever wanted was to be a Mum and to be happy but now I am it wasn’t what I expected at all and I do not enjoy it as much as I ever thought I would. It is lonely and draining and hard harder than I ever thought possible and so much pressure to do the best that you can all of the time for these three amazing beautiful little people that you created, and to look good and multi task and be like a Domestic Goddess and SuperMum all at once but the only real pressure to do all that is from ourselves, some days I can do it all and more and then some and other days I can’t do it at all and its ok and I battle on and take medication and breathe and use mindfulness apps and go to bed early and shut the curtains and try to relax and live in hope that one day I won’t feel this way anymore and to anyone that suffers Mental health in any way at all I understand, I empathise, I send you a hug and hope that you can be open and honest and talk to anyone who will listen and help you and to anyone who doesn’t suffer please try to understand and be tolerant and patient and be a good friend to anyone who needs one right now.