Seven years ago we found you little house with your beautiful floors and ornate fireplaces you captured our hearts and we really tried to make you our home and we tried our best we really really did we put up pictures and lit candles and cushioned you and cleaned you and made you look pretty but it was not enough because you were not ours, however much we tried we had just borrowed you for a few years but we were not solid in your foundations we were just a tiny part of your history, we just got to have a little go in you for a while, but we could not build you up we could not paint our story upon you we could not imprint our handprints upon your walls or grow flowers up your gate, we were just house sitting knowing that you were never our forever, but I do thankyou little house you did keep my family warm and dry you saw birthdays and Christmases and you welcomed friends and family in and out but the time has come little house for us to leave and say bye bye ……
The festive period a time when those quiet people that just go about their business living a quiet private life, just getting on with their day, quietly, especially those that work, suddenly have to be sociable, involved, and are expected to get into the spirit of things just because it’s Christmas, to many shy,social phobic introvert types this is the stuff of nightmares, it can fill them with dread , heighten anxiety and ruin Christmas.
Why after 11 months of doing their thing , choosing how and who they spend their days and evenings with should they be pressurised and just expected to participate in Christmas activities at work or with wider family if it makes them uncomfortable not everyone wants to drink and be the life and soul of parties, some people find eating in front of others unenjoyable as they feel as though people are looking at them, not everyone can make small talk with people they only associate with because they are a work colleague but you have nothing in common to talk about, yet if you refuse to go you are judged and frowned Upon and seen as not fun or a Scrooge or humbug at this time when we should all be jolly, but Christmas can be very difficult and stressful and uncomfortable for many yet it is impossible to ignore or avoid particularly when the extra stresses of work or school participation is required. Yet quiet , introverted socialphobes are one of the loveliest types of people to know and have in your life, they just take longer to get to know and understand, they take longer to let you in and open up to you they are a little harder work to befriend but once you do they are the most loyal loving kind and intelligent interesting people, and it doesn’t mean they don’t like Christmas they just don’t like some of the things about it and they can’t change and why should they if we were all the same what a boring world it would be. Xxxxx
Stuff, things, nicknacks, ornamental whatnots, rubbish thrown in drawers and cupboards, random things on the floor and not where they should be, things that serve no purpose or are never used . I used to like them until I became a Mum and had to deal with it all and constantly sort it all and tidy it all and dust it all, but living with a mini and a big hoarder and two very messy other little ones it is not easy, I feel as if I am walking up a hill and never reaching the top because as you approach it you roll back down to the bottom again.
It now physically makes me feel sick if there is too much stuff dumped on a table or on a mantel or left on the kitchen counter. I crave emptiness, a minimal simple life. In order to make life easier, as the summer holidays approach I am determined to super sort the house in the hope to make it easier when the kids are at home, but I dont think I will ever get it to where I want to be completely.
My Beautiful eldest girl you have been with me from the start, the first to look up at me and call me Mummy, the first one to hold my hand and take me on this hop skip and a jump of a journey called motherhood you’ve been there when i’ve got it right and there when i’ve got it wrong through tantrums and tears and then today you turned 11, how did that happen?
This year is going to be big for you, the final stage of Primary school and the start of secondary its going to be exciting and a bit scary but it’s going to be good and I am so proud of you and the beautiful young lady you are becoming.
I am proud of your great decision making when choosing the high school you will go to and your enthusiasm in gymnastics club, I am proud because it is not about your results and grades to us it is your happiness that counts and your kindness and acceptance of others, I want you to be the one who sits with the lonely kid in the lunch hall and I know you will be I know that you will always try the best that you can and that you will do and become whatever makes you happy and that is great and we are in this together yes you may now hold my hand a little less and walk infront a little bit further but thats how it is meant to be just know that I am here whenever you need me……
Oh stairs the journey to and from The upstairs to the downstair, you are never clear you are always full of the things to go up there or down full of clean washing, toys and hairbrushes and random shoes and socks and things to sort and teddy s waiting patiently for their owners to come home from school and squeeze them……
Thanks “friendly” dustman who put the “clean york” sticker on my surplus binbags this morning. Gone are the smiling, whistling, kind men that would carry our bins from our yards and gardens and take them back again, instead they huff and puff and refuse to take any bags that are sticking slightly out of our now regulation wheelie bins, or if the lid won’t shut, despite great efforts to squish them down , it wont do, and then they throw them randomly down the street afterwards leaving a trail of mess and take great delight issuing “naughty” stickers along the way. For your information Mr Dustbin man bin police I wasn’t expecting you to take my surplus, you never do, I was just putting it out ready to completely fill up my emptied one again, to fester for two weeks until you empty it again and I repeat the process, how these regulated bin rules help to keep city’s tidier and less full of waste I will never know as I have a family of five, I recycle and I am careful about cooking from scratch,using up leftovers,not having too much packaging etc yet every week I have an overflow of bins and recycling, this was worse when all three of my children were in nappies, I’m not allowed to have a bigger capacity bin until 6 are living in the house, I don’t have a car to go to the tip myself, so it is a never ending cycle of disgusting, wet maggot infested binbags,smelling and festering in the heat and being clawed by cats, whether you collect them now Mr binman or in a fortnight those binbags will still all end up in the same place and will not disappear, I will still produce as much waste and recycling and so will many other families and then some people on their own will hardly fill their bin at all so my extra fewbags and other peoples will make up for their lack of waste, making it all the same in the end and all at the same place, why council do you think that this is a good idea ? I would happily pay extra for bins to be collected weekly I would snap your hand off Mrs Council Lady for a bigger capacity bin for my extra refuse but I don’t want another child to be able to have one, I want those friendly dustmen and women back that treated us, our binbags and bins with care, and I am too old to be issued a naughty sticker thanks very much, please council sort it out . . …..
As I am writing this the children only have one more day left of school till the summer hols, as we wrap and write teacher’s gifts and cards, the children feel a wave of excitement of the long days ahead whereas my heart slightly flutters with dread and fear trying to think of plans and ideas and ways to fill up the six weeks with stuff and plans and fun and entertainment , gone are the days where cocopops pjs and starwars vhs on repeat will surfice kids these days need entertaining and “stuff” and exciting themed days of baking and craft and trips and museums and buying things, I feel more stressed in summer time than christmas, all the rules and routine and order that I crave to keep sane and function goes out of the window, 6 weeks of mess and disorder and squabbling and having absolutely no time to myself is afore, but it will be ok I have survived 10 child filled summer hols so far and will survive again and am determined to try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible and now the children are getting old enough to entertain themselves a little I am definitely going to fit some me time and 5 minutes peace in there aswell, we all as parents feel that we must cram in as much as possible into our little ones summer but remember they are exhausted too and need some doing nothing days, its ok to have some telly days and pj days make summer your way not the expected wayxxxxxmuch love
For the last few years I have been finding my style again after losing myself somewhat after having kids and Ive been doing ok, loving vintage experimenting with print and colour as much as I liked the clothes I had in my Closet, I had forgotten about the finer details, the fact that a woman should feel fabulous in what they wear whilst walking down the street, it doesn’t matter if people compliment you and say you look good if you don’t feel it yourself , sometimes so much is going on in our lives that we forget to always make ourselves feel special and we don’t seem to bother with ourselves anymore, but we need to ladies as loreal says we are worth it, I dont feel like me without my lippy on, and its that I hadn’t been doing the extra glam bits the great fitting bra, a fabulous haircut shoes with heels, nice nails,now that I’ve got back my glam I feel fabulous so come on ladies join me xxxxxxxxyou deserve it xxxx
I wanted to tell you all I understand, I understand what it is like to be scared of eating and trying new foods of feeling overwhelmed by a plate of food infront of me, that eating vegetables is like asking someone to eat a slug or a snake or a giant bug, I understand what its like to not want to eat at all sometimes or to eat very little, to eat the same plain foods day in day out to then go off them suddenly just like that for no reason at all, to be frightened to eat in a restaurant because it is unfamiliar territory like eating in a lions cage, to be nervous to eat at other people’s house’s incase they give you food you can’t eat, to smell every little bit of food before it enters your mouth, to be grateful for the Wonder ful parents who understood, who went with it and who stood up in front of Teachers at school when questioned why my packed lunch only contains a plain breadbun and a KitKat, who never moaned having to study each restaurant menu before daring entering to check if they served frenchfries or garlic bread or to beg with waitresses to make me plain spaghetti with nothing on it “yes just as it comes straight out the pan, yes plain” or please could my teenage daughter still have a children’s menu, or to smile and confidently say to the Tesco cashier who asked how old the children were that the babyish children’s alphabetti shaped food and mini yoghurts she was buying was actually for her 18 year old.
I wanted to tell you all that it’s ok it will get better, yes it’s hard and frustrating but go with it because one day those foods will get less scary and the restaurant list a little bigger, it did for me yes its a struggle sometimes and as a Mum myself of three children I try to go with my own children’s food requirements and I try to eat better myself but don’t get cross it’s not being fussy or picker or a phase. For me and for many it was a genuine fear I didn’t want to find food difficult but if it was made a big issue or I felt like I was a nuisance or a pain it made me worse.
School Teachers please don’t judge a child or their parents by the contents of their packups or snack, yes we all want to be healthy we know what the “right” foods are but sometimes we just can’t eat those foods for many reasons, our children need to eat but they dont need judging for it or stopped eating certain foods because then we might not eat very much at all and because as we grow we will work it out and sort it out ourselves, it’s our body and we need to choose what goes in it yes we dont always make the right decisions but we will one day in our own time.
Thankyou to my Mum, Dad, Stepfather and Brother and husband for supporting me always much lovexxxx