Not quite myself

Imagine that feeling you have forgotten something really important or have lost something really important, or have a test or an interview or an exam iminently, imagine having that feeling constantly for hours on end and days on end, imagine every time you try to fall asleep you feel like you wont ever wake up again so much so that you stop yourself from falling asleep and find it impossible to relax and feel like you are going to have heart failure or stop breathing, feeling that your chest will cave in and your head will explode, going to the doctors or a and e departments convinced you are having a heart attack and then knowing after being checked that there isnt anything majorly or physically wrong with you and yet you feel so poorly, so weak, so ill, so sick unable to enjoy normal tasks or function, having to go to bed all pale and wan and victorianesque feeling “strange”, “funny” and just “not yourself” as though you are on the outside looking in on the world, and so many headaches and blocked ears and indigestion and sickness and feeling hot and tingly. I would not wish these feelings on anybody. 

When I am feeling good I feel great I give my all I give my heart and all my energy yet when suffering these “anxiety” attacks I can’t give anything much at all, I can’t make simple decisions, I can’t function I can’t live my life normally and I hate it , I hate how my family have to put up with it, that they have to see me this way. Mental illness isn’t just those that feel depressed or bipola or want to give up life there are so many different types anxiety and stress and worry and panic attacks are real and common and for me it is that I want to live more than anything, Im scared to die and I want to be as happy as can be and live a long life so much that I want everything to be perfect all of the time, that I’m constantly reaching out for storybook happiness and the strive for happiness and perfection takes over to the point where I can’t even enjoy the little moments and happy days sometimes, because I am frustrated and never satisfied, people say I am too open in my blogs but for me I feel it important to tell people so that they know they are not alone, and so that people can understand and that I don’t want or mean to be this way, and when I have three gorgeous children and a kind husband I can’t just hide under a duvet and sleep off these episodes I still have to be a mummy and function and face the world but if I dont speak so much or smile so much or don’t seem my usual self please forgive me and know that I will soon be Milly again.

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