God is in me and all around me,I know this,I know deep inside I have a strong faith, an inner peace knowing that I am loved inside andout and am never alone.
Yet sometimes I find it hard to remember,hard to pray,hard to believe, hard to keep that faith. I know that I try hard to be a good person,to be kind to all people and all things,to offer support and kindness no matter what, but sometimes I find it hard to give so much when we often receive so little back, that when we are in need of support , friendships and kindness ourselves it is,so hard to ask for help, to admit our struggles and our defeats, Sometimes it is even admit it to ourselves and to God.
Since I rediscovering my faith a few years ago, alot has happened, I have suffered such struggles financially and mentally.Life has sometimes felt overwhelming and I have felt exhausted with it all physically and emotionally, drained with panic attacks and severe anxiety.
Church at first felt like a second home, a place to belong, a place in which I found wonderful supportive friendships,it gave me peace and made me happy knowing that people were praying for me and my family during times of hardship. I enjoyed the services,the worship songs,the ladies evenings etc. Yet something was also missing my “whole” family , my husband who is my soulmate, my rock, my best friend, how could I fully embrace the church life community without him beside me, without us as a whole family together?
I felt torn between precious family Sunday’s at home or church often on my own. Family had to win the battle in the end , so I am forever trying to balance faith and family life, how can I fit it in? Do I need to? Is it enough that I know I have faith and God in me? With these questions forever in my mind and with my battles with anxiety and,stress often rising to the surface my faith feels often quite far away in the distance, somewhere in the past and church has become somewhere I used to go where I had great friends and support but those friends have gone and I don’t belong there anymore.
THis week I spoke to a dear friend on the phone, and it was so lovely to hear her voice, she has moved away and I miss her, but I look to her as my Spiritual mentor,I admire her wise words, she reminded me that God is bigger than church, he’s bigger than rules he loves me whether I go to Church or not and she said that she will pray for me, these powerful kind words mean so much to me and I know that I haven’t finished my faith journey I’m just not sure where church fits in for me anymore, but I am sure I will find out….